There's beauty in the breakdown

I completed my 30 day Bikram Yoga Challenge today. What should have felt like a major accomplishment - simply felt like another day. Throughout the challenge, I learned more about my emotional and physical strength than I could have ever imagined. I am one strong lady - not only am I strong, but I am now also kinda flexible! I really became accustomed to the practice and my biggest lesson learned learned is that the majority of barriers you face in life are in your own head. The positive of that is: that internal struggle is something YOU control. YOU are the deciding factor in what makes you get up, dust yourself off and start again. YOU are the voice of reason, YOU get to choose whether you move forward, progress and change or whether you stay stagnant.

I started this challenge because of several reasons:
 1. It's on my 30 before 30 list (duh!)
 2. I was determined to prove to myself that I could do this - despite everyone saying I was crazy
 3. The intrigue of seeing my body change by 30 consecutive days of yoga - weight loss, yeah!
 4. I needed a distraction and 90 minute yoga classes looked like they would do the trick

I will write more about #3 this week - because my body has definitely changed - but, I think the part I wasn't willing to admit until now is just how powerful #4 really was throughout this process.

Background: prior to signing up to complete this challenge, I had just gone through a heart-wrenching (that's how I would describe it at least) breakup with guy I am head-over-heels, nose-over-tail in love with (yes, still present tense)...It's a long complicated (rather boring) story - but it just came down to something fairly simple. He isn't ready to love. Or rather, he just doesn't love me.

It took me 30 days of Bikram Yoga... that's 45 hours or 2700 minutes - depending on how you want to look at it - to finally admit to myself that simple fact. And not only that simple fact, but, to admit to myself that his decision, inability, or whatever to love me - does not define who I am as a person or how I choose to love. I struggled internally with this battle of what I had done to deserve this - and I would be lying if I said I still don't struggle with that - every minute of every day since he told me.

Who wants to hear those words, "I don't love you - I can't love you"?
I'll tell you who: Ab-so-fucking-lutely not a single soul inhabiting this earth.

But, Bikram gave me a safe place to explore these emotions by making me physically uncomfortable - some days physically ill - where my mind had no other choice but to challenge my body to move forward despite obstacles I was facing. It gave me an opportunity to focus on nothing but breathing for 90 minutes a day - because, let's face it - if you've never done Bikram that is pretty much ALL you can do in 105 degrees. And allowed me to realize, that I am the driver in my life. I can choose to focus on my breath or I can become overwhelmed, pass out and give up - but the beauty of it is, I make that choice. And I get the opportunity to make that choice every day that I continue to wake up.

I am taking a 10-day breather from Bikram because I have two important marathon qualifying races. But, I am definitely looking forward to going back. I have even decided I might do another 30 consecutive days - if the benefits have been this immense after 30, I can't imagine how I will feel after 60.